I had an unbelievable trip to Japan, killed it, hit my goals, and I learned a ton. It was fun. And I feel proud when I think of that trip. And yet I also took on a ton of rejection. Made some mistakes. Had a lot of failure. I want to talk about that too.
“One of the most frustrating things I’ve found about the PUA scene is that very few people actually tell you how excruciating it can be at times”
— Bastiat, in comment on Krauser’s site
Part of my commitment to the Days of Game project is to showcase my struggle and my failure on my path as a daygamer and as a man. There was some of this in my last lay report… all that thrashing and self-doubt of my final week. That post has some of the pain of the journey, even with the happy ending of my last night.
This post shows more of the difficult part of my Japan adventure.
I love Bastiat’s quote above. He’s right. Very few people tell you about this part of the ride. But it’s real. It’s real as you start the journey, before your knife is sharp enough to cut into the meat of success. But the ache is still there, after you’ve had some wins. The ache is part of the ride.
This post is about that ache.
I talk about the failure and rejection and self-doubt for two reasons. 1.) To help me understand myself, and 2.) To help other guys to feel “normal” in those periods of defeat and struggle. I am not alone. And neither are you.
Furthermore, I am interested in the concept of “wholeness.” Senior Rivelino and I have talked about the importance of “being whole” and “accepting all the parts of ourselves” and our psychologies. To embrace your wholeness is a good strategy for psychological health.
In terms of game, I think that means accepting your “nice” side, the part that loves women, that maybe has a sister, that likes romance and wants to take care of those in our charge. And it also means accepting your “dark” side, the side that enjoys the predation, that wants to be a Lothario, that is now or will continue to juggle multiple women, and the side that gets off on the hunt and maybe likes to throat-fuck “nice” girls. Wholeness. Embrace both sides. Embrace it all. That is whole… all of you.
In terms of day to day progress and lifestyle, wholeness means embracing your successes, but also your rejections, your mistakes, your failures.
I was blown out almost countless times in Tokyo (I say “almost,” because I did count them, and will try to have a “total blowouts” reference when I post my final stats). I was getting to that in my post about me being the world’s #1 blowout artist. Nash is a BOA. Let it be known.
In many ways, ^ this is me embracing my failure. The BOA concept is about being whole. I get rejected a lot. That is real. I’m very fucking cool with it.
But this post is about some more meaningful rejections. Some moments when I wasn’t so cool about it all. Some things that hurt. Some tough times.
She matters to me as even though we went out three times, she would never kiss me. We were never even close to sex. It wasn’t even that fun. She counts as a failure not because I didn’t have sex with her, or whatever, but because she frustrated me. She got to me. Not in a good way, that made me feel alive. But in a bad way, where I felt ineffective. It’s true.
What I learned from her was the importance of options. If I had more options, I wouldn’t have dated her after the first date. I said so at the time… but I didn’t have more options. When a man doesn’t have enough options, he is forced to compromise. That is a fucking big lesson, right there.
Last thing here, escalation is a beautiful test. If you escalate, consistently, and she won’t play… You have all the evidence you need to move on… So do it. I eventually did.
OREO. I never posted about her, but she kind of got me too. Picked her up in a market, after a long, proper daygame approach session. She was older, maybe 32. Solid IOI. Line App close. Fun on text, and I took her out one time. Good date, including a great makeout, but she would not come home.
After the date, she seemed a bit colder via text. As I asked her out the second time, I got this:
OREO: Well…..now I know I’m not having a sex with you. So maybe I am not the one you want to spend a time with.
I said nothing about sex to this girl… not beyond whatever I may have said on the date. Nothing explicit. In response to her words, I made some comment about “we don’t have to make promises, let’s just have a good experience.” To which she came back with:
OREO: For my good experience I want to follow my feeling
OREO: Now I choose not going out with you
All this surprised me as the date was nice, felt solid. She was very into the makeout, which came after first denying me, then two minutes later, she was well into it. She was not my favorite girl in the mix at the time, but I was looking fwd to seeing her again. My guess is she picked up the player vibe, or didn’t like the short term part, maybe wants a BF, who knows.
Or… She just wasn’t that into me.
It terms of what I learned, I wouldn’t do much differently. However, I have been using this “comfortable/exciting” frame with girls. Saying it is my job to make a girl feel comfortable, safe, etc… but not too safe. That I also need to make it exciting. I have been loving that frame as a way to spike, create trust, escalate, all that.
When I was running her through this frame, she agreed. Girls want that mix of comfort and excitement, but they also want “understanding.” That is the part she added. I am paraphrasing that as “familiar,” but maybe I’m wrong in what she meant. In any case, I think there is something to learn there.
Girls want comfortable, exciting, and familiar. I like that. I took an “L” here, but I like what she added to my story.
BIG EYES. I don’t think I have ever been stood up before, not ever. Big Eyes stood me up. I have had girls cancel on me, and ignore me, but never make a date and just not show up.
I picked her up after one of my first days out with Root. I was mostly chatting with him that day, but did a few approaches, and then picked up this girl on the train platform on my way home. She was beautiful, big eyes. Nice pickup.
As we negotiated the date she said this:
BIG EYES: It be fun, but, youknow
BIG EYES: Im not a good English speaker,, so
BIG EYES: kind of, feel uneasy.
Maybe that should have been the sign that she wasn’t going to show? We had a ton of message time, lots of comfort. Including that morning when she messaged me on her own, talking about the cold. It was a cold day. I responded, but never heard back from her.
And that night… She didn’t cancel and she did not show up. No message later, nothing. Line has read receipts, so I know she never looked at another message I sent her. Just gone.
I don’t know what to learn from this. Maybe only that stuff like this happens. With enough volume, you’ll run into this kind of thing. And with enough volume, and experience, maybe you won’t care as much as I cared that night. I cared. It bugged me.
I’d repeat the familiar lesson, that we need to have options. And I did. So she went away and I still had several other girls in the mix, but it hurt to be stood up.
It hurt worse because nothing was going well that week. I’d had two other dates that day… One with a 20 yr old, very cute, but would not kiss me. And then my 2nd time in bed with the Chinese Virgin, which was a great time, but she wouldn’t fuck me. My momentum felt off. Then I get stood up on the same day… all that work, and nothing but “zeros” to show for it.
I started to feel a little bummed out. So I went to dinner on my own that night (I had a reservation for the girl and I), then tried gutter game for the first time. Talked to 15 girls. It was meh, but my state was not great.
Then I went to a crazy bar, made some friends, chatted with some girls and went home. I felt better after the bar. I knew the next day would mean another daygame session to clean all this up. That’s what I did.
THE NURSE. She was definitely one of the highpoints, but also left a bad taste in my mouth. I still have a bad taste about her.
She was the first girl I had sex with on this trip, and it was great. I really liked her. In bed, but even as a dinner date. She was young, simple, but charming. 3rd date was sex. 4th date she was on her period, so back to my place, great makeout and an extraordinary handjob. Excellent handjob. Wow. The let-down was on date five.
We set up a date for my last Friday night. We meet at a restaurant I love, after 10 PM, as she had a late night at the hospital. She was beautiful and charming. I had forgotten how much I liked her. Great dinner. Intimate, perfect, I loved it. After my rought week (it was the night before that I was stood up), I felt almost grateful. I was really looking forward to taking this girl’s clothes off and ravishing her.
After dinner I say, “Okay, my place, desert.” And she says no. Her brother is at her house, taking the national university exam the next morning, she had to get back to him. No? Wow. Fuck this week.
And I was shocked. Dumbfounded. It was going to be the last night of our little romance, but now she was on her way home. I felt stupid, in part because I told a very hot Korean flight crew girl that I could not see her this night, because I wanted to see The Nurse. And this was the same night I had the 19 year old on the i-date, so I was packed with action… but with nothing coming of it. Up until the last night, and my last-minute lay, that week kicked my ass.
I messaged her once more while I was there. She didn’t respond. And once more when I got home — in part just to say thanks for a good time — no response. Cold. Ice cold.
What did I learn? I don’t know. When I met her, she had just broken up with her BF that week. Maybe she doesn’t even have a brother? Maybe she wanted to fuck her ex that night? Or some other guy. She was certainly not overly into me or our thing. My reaction is proof to me that I am still a bit of a soft-hearted fool.
I don’t know what I learned. She surprised me. Simple… maybe I’m the simple one.
COME AND GO: This particular bit of rejection wasn’t about any particular girl. This was about the 20 year old I made out with at Starbucks, but never read any of my Line messages, never said a word, after our i-date was over. Or my first i-date, that loved it, but also never responded to a message after we ended that little date. Or the i-date on my last Saturday, hot/sexy afternoon date… Never said a word to me after. Or the Queeny, and our red-hot street time, the close, a text or two… And then cold. Or the Burlesque Dancer… one of the hottest sets of my life. Took her Line, she never even looked at the messages from me. And a million other moments like this… All of it adding leather to my heart.
What did I learn? I learned I am still a naive, childish fool. I learned I get attached to connections that even 20 year old girls know are “come and go” encounters. I learned that the magic is in the moment, and to release that moment, and jump back into the tornado and the next girl.
I hope I learned something there.
This is where Buddhism meets the player’s psychology. It’s real to care, and to try, and to be vulnerable, but don’t expect the world to stop turning. The playing field is always changing. Her feelings, your feelings… so much wind. That means that which you have will slip away… And that around the next corner is your next lay. It’s like that.
JAFRICA. I picked this girl up, and had three nice dates before I brought her home. We made out on the second date. Before the third date we had this conversation:
JAFRICA: Well…Let me tell u something. I cannot make love with u tomorrow because u’ll leave Japan soon. I need more time to know about u.
JAFRICA: If it is ok (no sex) l would like to have a dinner with you. It is really fun to talk with you:)
NASH: Why are you always thinking about sex??! : ]
NASH: I am a virgin. But I hear sex is really good… Is it true???
JAFRICA: : )
JAFRICA: You were talking about sex so that…
NASH: Let’s have dinner.
Looked like a standard “I don’t want to be responsible for sex” pre-game speech. You can see how I played through.
So the date happens, and it’s nice. Afterwards, my place, and I say we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do. But we do a lot.
I get her naked, lick her entire body, fingers inside her, but no sex. She is saying “no” to everything, but as I escalate she purrs and moans. We end with me naked, condom on, grinding against her, her hand on my cock keeping me from penetrating her. It was like that. Intense, beyond sexual, and frustrating.
And she was a verbal “no,” the whole time. Most of which was definitely that “no, uhhh, moan, no, moan-moan-moan.” Physically holding me back and then giving in to my advances.
I have had this kind of sex with many girls… In some ways, it’s typical male/female dance. He climbs on her back, she tries to throw him off, if it works, she was right… He wasn’t the one. If he succeeds, he’s a strong man indeed. And she loves it.
For anyone reading that can’t handle mature conversation or nuance, or has so little experience they don’t recognize what I am talking about, I’ll be explicit: it is never okay to force yourself on a woman. Full stop.
I escalated on this girl mercilessly, put a lot of pressure on her, but there was certainly no force. With that said, there is maturity and nuance to understanding this dance. Sex is messy… physically and psychologically.
So after this excruciating exchange goes on for maybe 15 minutes, the tone of her voice changes, and she says she really has to go. So we stop, we get dressed, and I walk her out and make sure she is in car home.
The mood was noticably “off” as we ended the night. And about one hour later I get this:
JAFRICA: I hope u didn’t take a video of us
JAFRICA: I really don’t want to do sex.
Video? What is that about? There was no mention of anything like that, nor is there anything like video in my relationship with women. Zero.
Her comment is about a lack of trust. She no longer trusted me. The relationship had soured and I never heard from her again. That was the change in her tone of voice. That’s what it meant.
This is a failure to me, not because I didn’t get the notch, or because I had an unbearably unsatisfying night with her. It was a failure, because I gave that girl a bad experience.
It is my stated goal to give myself, and the girls, great experiences. Here I did neither. I failed. I failed her. And I failed myself.
And it sucks to write about that night.
What did I learn? To be honest, I’m not sure I would do all that much differently. In some ways that is true. Her “no, maybe, yes, yes, no, maybe, no, no, yes, yes, yes…” turned into a hard no at the end of the night. I believe many girls could have gone the other way, collapsed into sex and pleasure and approval. Not this one. We did not have sex that night, but in my pursuit of sex, I misjudged her.
What I am beginning to realize is that I don’t want to be a “convincer.” Convincing is not sexy, and it’s not cool. I am a seducer. And the “convincing” sucks… And it’s not good game. And it feels terrible.
The Nurse did a lot of the “no, no, oh!, oh!, yes, yes, yes, no, no, yes” thing as well. But the Idol and the Yoga girl were full yes, no LMR, great experience. All three girls were a great experience, and I will pursue girls in this range.
But I want to stop chasing, because that’s not good game, and to stop convincing, because it feels terrible. That last date with Jafrica could have gelled into something sweet and sexy, but it didn’t go that way, and I would like to be able spot these girls sooner. I think she was a real no, and I can’t always tell real no’s from token no’s. Not always.
Maybe this will all get better… with more experience.
Ahhhh… I am glad this post is over. I want to be real and show the whole range of experience. I want to share my failures as well as my wins. But this post is not a victory lap, and it hurt to concentrate on this stuff… The soft, vulnerable underbelly of an otherwise triumphant adventure.
You will get rejected. You will make mistakes. You will, have failures.
All part of the days of game.