Very Long Dates – Laughter Leads to Crying
I just wrapped up the longest “date” I’ve had in years… eight days and seven nights. This was my fourth date with Miss Bangs. Most of the previous ones were long too. She lives in China, so the nature of the logistics means we meet up on very long dates… or we don’t see each other at all. In terms of my education as a seducer, the extended nature of very long dates is teaching me quite a bit about
the girls myself that would have been hard for me to see in more typical dating scenarios.
I have been wanting to write this post for a long time, since my last long date with Miss Bangs (back in January). And before that even… as this story involves another girl. I have had a couple of very long dates with The Assistant too.
This post is about these two girls — Miss Bangs and The Assistant — the long dates, female psychology, playing my role as a man, becoming a better (and more complete) seducer, about taking care of women (or choosing not take care of them), about breaking off a fling, and about learning to understand myself and what I want.
But first: “Laughter leads to crying.” What could that mean?
Years ago I lived with a really incredible woman I’ll call Cowgirl. Cowgirl was the descendent of a decadent matriarchy we can call Babsie. Babsie was Cowgirl’s grandmother.
Babsie had seven kids, across two different men (she was widowed by both of those husbands), and as she absorbed their estates upon their deaths, her fortune got bigger and bigger over time. She was wealthy and wild. And amidst the rest of the stories about Babsie, is this expression:
“Laughter leads to crying.”
There is something about that saying. It shocked me (when I first heard it) as it correlates something as joyful as laughter with something as painful as tears. It sounds prudish and stiff, but there is a nagging quality of truth in those words. As I have matured, I was surprised to discover that I tend to agree.
I never met Babsie (she died before Cowgirl and I got together), but she was known to be a really fun woman. And she loved to party (I’m told). And I was intrigued and interested by all that. So her “laughter leads to crying” seemed like a buzzkill theme when compared to the rest of the lore that emanated from the Legend of Babs.
Imagine her, a mother of seven, listening to rising laughter on the upper floor, beyond the curved stairs that lead to the mezzanine, coming from one of the many bedrooms beyond those stairs. The pounding of feet. More shrieks of laughter. A thud. A moment of quiet and then… crying.
She is right. It is predictable. It’s not a fun concept, but it’s wise.
I love good times… but very often… laughter leads to crying. It’s true.
I met Miss Bangs first. It was a beautiful afternoon in April of 2018 and she was such a sunny girl. Quite attractive by my standards. She was visiting from China, on her first trip to America. When she hooked and gave me a big smile I felt like I was having a really good day.
I got her out for a date soon after. A standard date for me: The art museum. And then, after, tea near my house. I got her into my place. I kissed her, but didn’t push it further than that… opting instead to take her for dinner, and assuming I would bring her back later for more.
I did bring her back after dinner, but she was nervous. At the time I assumed her nervousness was because she knew I would try to get her into bed. She asked to “look at pictures,” and we did. And I laughed at her a bit. It was all comfort and I was happy to give it to her. And she calmed down. And I made her stand up and we made out some more. She had relaxed and she was very, very happy at this point (I could see it in her face). Super happy. I was proud of myself. I went to take her down the hall to my bedroom, but she abruptly decided to go back to her hostel.
What? I was confused that she would leave on a high-note. But through all the smiling and kissing and obvious joy she was certain about her decision and I sent her home in a car. I found out (much) later that she was on her period that night. Oh.
This was not a long date, it was just an afternoon and the corresponding evening, but it is the beginning of this story (and the parallels with the next girl). Miss Bangs went off to NYC the next day. I assumed I was a “vacation experience” for her, and that I’d never hear from her again. I was wrong.
I met The Assistant about two weeks later. She was also visiting from China. I also took her number. And I also took her on the same date, meeting her in the same location, taking this second girl to the same art museum.
With the Assistant, things were more sexual… immediately. We had a hotter vibe. She is not nearly as attractive as Miss Bangs (that is part of my problem with The Assistant), but on a surface level, we had better sexual chemistry. I felt like kissing her in the first 10 minutes of the date. And I didn’t have to wait long.
I could tell by the way she let me take her hand in the museum that she was what we call “compliant.” And she was into me. So a few minutes later, I had her isolated in a video-based exhibit, it was a bit dark and we were alone, and I stepped in for the kiss and she took it. And it was hot.
After the museum, she wouldn’t come back to my place. But we made out in the street as I walked her back to her hotel. She didn’t want to say goodbye, but she wouldn’t let me come in to her hotel either… so we had another extended makeout session around the corner from where she was staying.
Just like Miss Bangs, she met me in the middle of a tour of America, she had more to see, and she left for LA the next day. And also, again, I assumed I was a vacation fling… a type of fantasy, a brief one, and that I would never see her again. I was wrong here too.
As Miss Bangs left my city, she kept messaging me. This was a surprise.
I have hooked up with a lot of girls while they were on vacation in my city… that is part of being a daygamer in a popular destination for travelers. Girls on adventures like to be adventurous with adventurous boys. I fucked the Korean Girl when she was in town. I fucked Miss Luxury while she was in my city. I fucked Miss Macau under similar circumstances. I have more stories like these and I assume most experienced daygamers can tell similar tales. And most of those girls are willing to say a few words afterwards, but then… they mostly fade away.
It actually doesn’t always end in tears… fading away is normal. A lot of guys are surprised by how often it ends with no emotion at all. I have felt that way.
But Miss Bangs felt different. She was charming about it. She liked me. There was some meaning in all this for her and she hadn’t forgotten. She kept sending me long, detailed, interesting messages from her home back in China. I liked it. I sent her long messages back in exchange.
There was romance in those lines.
Similarly, my relationship with The Assistant surprised me in that it didn’t fade out either… in fact, it sparked into a flame almost immediately.
As I said, she had gone to LA. And I was messaging her, and fanning that spark, enjoying the role of The Romancer. I like that role with women. And I try to do a good job. Feed the fantasy. Give them all I can give.
It seemed I had done such a good job in this instance that The Assistant changed her plans, adjusted her ticket, flew back to my city after a few days in LA, and stayed with me. As we negotiated her request to come back to see me, she had pushed for a very long date – maybe four or five days.
I said no.
As I wrote about it at the time, I used the relationship as a chance to practice my boundaries. I didn’t want that long of a date. I told her I thought it would be best if we kept it to two nights. She struggled with that, wanting more. I explained that we didn’t know each other well (we had never fucked… we’d only had that one afternoon date), I wanted her to be comfortable. I also wanted to be comfortable myself.
I am increasingly confident in my role as The Romancer. I want to be expert in that scenario. But (at the time), I didn’t really know how long I could keep it up. I assumed I could manage both her emotions and mine for two nights… keep us in a blissful zone… but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hold that role for much longer than that.
Seduction for me is not “fake.” I am not a fake person. With that said, how long could I be “on” and deliver a romantic experience to my standards? I like to perform my role. But one of the best parts of being “single” is the right to step off-stage and relax completely. To be an introvert for a time. To love a girl real hard on a date, and then… revert to being completely self-centered for a while… or several days.
So I had The Assistant in my house for two nights on that trip. We enjoyed each other. We fucked for the first time within 30 minutes of this very long date (which had more to do with her than me… she wanted it). And over the next two days I showed her around my part of California. I took her down the coast for breakfast. She sucked my cock in the car as we parked by the beach. It was good. When I found out she planned to spend the last night in the airport (she had an early flight the next day), I invited her to spend a third night with me…
It was a three night date. And it was a good one. I wasn’t super into her, but I liked what we had in the context of what it was. In relatively small doses, imperfect things can be perfectly enjoyable. That is one of my favorite lessons of being a player.
I have lived with several girls in my life. I have had long term (monogamous) relationships that spanned years (with Cowgirl, most of all). It is not as if I am just learning about women. But these were some of the first very long dates for me since I’d earned my “advanced degree” in Seduction. My first as a man that has demonstrated he has the skill to meet and seduce women in a predictable way. As a man with enough options… that I can have attention and affection and sex without committing to the first girl that will have me.
I don’t have to commit at all. And I mostly don’t.
Thus, my perspective has changed and I was “doing it all again for the first time.” Now that my eyes were much more open to the nature of men and women and seduction… I was learning once again, what I liked. Given my new “powers” and opportunities… is this what I want?
If I am willing to do very long dates… for how long am I willing to give up my freedom? Do I have the skill to create a comfortable, sexy space for a woman outside of the context of any kind of relationship? What should I expect of the girls in scenarios like this? Do I want any of it all?
I was testing myself. I was proving (to myself, more than the girls) my capabilities as a man at this stage of my game. And once I had been up that mountain and back – could I say I had enjoyed it? Would I do it again?
What do I want?
Later that summer I committed to some daygame in Shanghai, China.
I had never been to China. That country is taking on tremendous significance in the world and I was curious. There was almost nothing about daygame in China on the internet. And as I have dated so many lovely Chinese girls, I was curious about trying to game there.
My trip would be three weeks. I wanted to run some proper daygame – which would take some real time and effort. I had a goal for that trip to meet a new girl, and take her through the daygame model of seduction – from meet, to number close, to messaging, to the date, to sex. From start to finish. No help, cold approach to sex, in Communist China – this was my goal.
And I got that done.
But I also knew I had the option to see either (or both) of the girls from this story, as well… perhaps… if I wanted to. I had a steady stream of adoring WeChat messages from both of them.
As the planning of the trip came together, I wasn’t so interested in seeing The Assistant. To be painfully honest… I wasn’t super into her and I had already fucked her. By the selfish, shallow rationale of an aspiring daygamer, I already had the notch and I didn’t connect that deeply with her… which meant there was no urgency from me to meet up. So… I never told her I was coming to her country. She still doesn’t know I have ever been to China (more on that later).
Miss Bangs, however, was a different girl and a different story. The shallow part of me knew I could probably pick up a notch. From my point of view, notches are symbols of great things (knowledge of self, knowledge of women, mastery of seduction). Even if it’s only at the level of bragging rights, I am still interested in collecting notches.
But beyond the notch, I genuinely like Miss Bangs. She is lovely. And as we had continued our messaging… I liked what she was showing me… quite a bit.
So we made plans and I flew her into Shanghai to see me… on the condition she understood I was “dangerous” and staying with me meant she would “in the bed of a dangerous man.” That’s me being charming and sensitive, but saying… “we’re gonna fuck.” She was very much okay with that idea.
With those terms in place, she stepped out of a car one afternoon and onto the sidewalk in Shanghai, in front of my apartment. We began a very long date. Three days, two nights. And it was wonderful.
Yes, I fucked her – and the sex wasn’t particularly wild, but it was very emotionally connected. Very “deep.” She is a big reason why “deep sex” has become a high priority for me. That… is one of the things I learned from my time with her. I wrote about her with quite a bit of detail at the time.
She left me in Shanghai and returned to her city a very happy girl. And I had a couple of weeks left to properly game new girls, and I did. And I fucked a couple of other girls and had a ton of really excellent adventures… Baby Dragon (whom I never fucked) was one of my favorite parts of that trip.
Again, I never told The Assistant that I was in China. I never posted any pictures of that trip on WeChat, because I didn’t want her to know, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings if she discovered I had been in her country and couldn’t be bothered to see her. I owe this woman nothing (then or now), but I do care about her feelings.
I care about the feelings of all of these girls.
As she was in the habit of messaging me quite often, she sent me some messages while I was in her country. And (even then) I didn’t confess that I was in China, but we did exchange some communication.
And she told me that she had more vacation time than she expected and that she had to use it or it would expire. She suggested coming to visit me in America. We talked about the possibility of her coming to see me later that year over New Year’s Eve.
I hadn’t had a date for New Year’s in a couple of years. In fact, Miss Thick had ended a relationship with me days before NYE the previous year (which meant I had to cancel plans I had made to take her and I on a New Year’s trip).
New Year’s is a sentimental time. It’s a cozy time. And the idea of a girl in my bed that week sounded pretty good. Sex with The Assistant isn’t “deep” like it is with Miss Bangs, but she is a very horny girl and she loves to fuck. It also occurred to me that I could rack up some more experience on yet another very long date.
So… if she was to come all the way from China to America (13+ hour flight, each way), her visit would have to be longer than a couple of nights. We agreed to a six night trip. I knew it was too much, but I figured I could pull it off. And I did.
I planned carefully. I wanted to give her a good experience, but I also wanted to pace the week so I could keep up my role, enjoy myself, and give her sensational memories. And that is exactly how it went.
But it was hard on me. Damn hard.
As I mentioned, I am not super into her. After two days, I was ready to get some time alone, but I had made a commitment and I would stick to it. Not only meet my commitment, but impeccably perform my role as this “amazing American man.” I did all of this. And it wasn’t easy. I felt myself wanting to complain… wanting some freedom and a change of “flavor.” And one day, as I came back from the gym to meet her (she had been shopping alone), I remember consciously “doubling-down” and recommitting to “doing the best job I could possibly do.” This was the attitude I had all week.
We did a couple of nights in my city. Lots of sex… and none of it was deep. She isn’t really that type. She likes sex, but it’s all “surface level.” And as I figured out she couldn’t really give me sex in a deeply emotional way, the sex itself lost some appeal after a couple of days. For a change of pace, I took her camping on the third night (it was her first time). She was nervous to do it, but she trusted me, and she loved the experience. Then, my house. Then, we took a trip down the coast for New Year’s Eve…
California was stunningly beautiful that week. A sunny December, clear and cold, cows, oak trees and grassy hillsides. To use a very California word… it was awesome.
We stayed in a nice hotel and had an excellent dinner that night. We fucked after midnight… and then as we laid in bed, she told me some very personal stories about growing up in China. She has had a hard life. The stories were sad and real. I’ll never forget those moments. The poignancy of those stories pushed me deeper into my role.
I was doing everything I set out to do. And I was surprised at how much I had to give her. At how well I was playing my role. I was surprised at how much I was capable of giving a women across a near-ridiculous week-long fantasy of travel and sex and intimacy.
Again, all of it was real.
She isn’t my favorite lover. Not at all. But I knew I wouldn’t have to keep it up forever. And as I knew it wouldn’t go on forever, I could try beyond a mere “adequate” level… I could give her “everything I had.” And I did. And she loved it.
She left on that last day a very happy girl. She had been given attention, and affection, and sex, and romance, and adventure. She had a phone full of pictures and head full of memories to take back to her life in China.
But I was exhausted when she left.
I didn’t have time to rest, as I would leave for Japan in a couple of days. I got my life together, packed my bags, and split for Tokyo… for what would be a three month trip there in a couple of different cities.
And I did make it to Tokyo, a place I love. And I love the girls there (so much). But I almost couldn’t even “see them” for the first two weeks. I was so spent from all I had given The Assistant, I wasn’t interested in girls at all. No interest in feminine energy. I had no sex drive. I worked a lot. I worked out. I wrote some less personal essays for this blog. I took the time to recover. I hid from the potential of girls and game.
It was clear: I had given her too much (which was my fault, not hers). I didn’t like how I felt in the wake of that very long date. And I knew I would never see her again.
It wasn’t her fault. She is a lovely girl, but it was too much. The first two-day date was enough. I knew it then. I am glad for the experiment of testing myself with her over New Year’s. I had a good time. I was proud of myself. I was glad to see the level at which I could perform.
But I would never do it again. Not with her.
In the weeks that followed, I tried to end it… by refusing to try to keep it alive. Usually, that is enough.
As I arrived in Japan, getting into the local girls (which was definitely my plan) wasn’t my only challenge.
I had told Miss Bangs about my trip to Japan. As Japan is much closer to China than America, we talked about her coming into see me, about staying with me in my apartment in Omotesando.
We had talked about all this before I had my exhausting time with The Assistant back in America. I was in Japan at this point. It was time for me to do my job and to make plans to bring the lovely Miss Bangs to stay with me in Tokyo… but I didn’t really have the energy for it at all.
I was still exhausted. I still wanted to hide. I wanted more introvert time.
I was amazed at how depleted I was from the experiment of New Year’s (I still am), and I was dragging my feet in terms of setting up a rendezvous with Miss Bangs. I’m not the kind of man that is afraid to say “no.” I don’t like the idea of doing things for girls out of “obligation.” Fuck all that. I was tempted to cancel. Very tempted.
Beyond any suggestions I had made to Miss Bang, beyond any sense of what her expectations might be… I want to be a man of my word. It wasn’t about her. It was about me.
So I committed to bringing Miss Bangs in to see me again. And even though her city in China is only three hours from Tokyo by plane, the logistics were really tough to get her into Tokyo during that time of year. Very expensive flights (>$1200) or super long lay-overs (+24 hours for what is really a three hour journey).
I was aiming for two or three nights… but after wrestling with the flight options… we opted for a five night stay. Here it was… another very long date.
I had mixed feelings. A lot of it was at the level of “duty.” I was committed. Again, I knew I would give her “everything I could give.” And some of that sounded like “work.” And some of it… sounded good. She is not the same as The Assistant. She is an entirely different girl. Would this long date take as much out of me?
As it turned out… it was a beautiful experience. Totally beautiful.
She arrived very late one night, delivered to my door in my little neighborhood in Tokyo. It was 3 AM, and despite her travels she was sunny and charming and lovely as she arrived. We put her in the shower and then into my bed. I made out with her, but the thought of sex felt rushed so I pulled her into me and we slept… for a while.
I woke up a few hours later, kissing her eyes open, and fucked her. And it was hot. It was deep. And we slept after… super close. I like this girl.
Over the next few days I toured her through my favorite corners of Shibuya and Omotesando (areas I know pretty well). I did some work for my clients while she shopped. At other times, she explored Tokyo while I lifted weights. But mostly we held hands and ate great food and she felt my weight each night as I put my cock inside her. She was generous and feminine. She bought me little presents each day. It was effortless and enchanting.
She is a wonderful girl. And time with her was nothing like time with the Assistant, even as I played an almost identical role… doing almost identical things. I was in no hurry to see her go.
Not all dances are the same. Even if I am the consistent element, the chemistry is complicated and any little thing can create entirely different results. I liked both these girls… but I liked Miss Bangs in an entirely different way.
There are lessons here that my ongoing experiences in game (and my sub-study of “very long dates”) is teaching me. There is a lot to learn.
Five nights later we awoke hours before sunrise, got her dressed and ready for her trip, and the very same driver (a Chinese guy she booked via a magical Chinese app) picked her up and drove her off to the airport to return her back to her home. She was gone… and it had been a fantastic trip. She was so charming… the five nights helped her to really captured my heart. When she left… I missed her.
But now I was free. And I wasn’t exhausted at all. I turned on my daygame skills, took a thousand numbers, had a hundred dates and fucked a couple of new girls (the high-drama girl I call Miss Serious and the not-a-virgin-anymore Miss Compliant). I fucked a third new girl in another city later that month (I never wrote about).
Another very long date and another experiment. More first-hand “data” about the nature of girls and the nature of me.
The experience was so profoundly different from the previous one… it was fascinating. Miss Bangs is more beautiful… but it was much more than that.
In those days when I was in Japan and The Assistant was in China she sent me many more messages. She had had a really, really good time. I knew it. I could see how she was reacting to the experience I had crafted for her and me. While I was nearly broken from the exertion I put into playing my role that week, I had given her a real taste of romance… of course she liked it.
So… she was still on. And I had decided I would not see her again. So I was in the unusual space of having to push a girl away.
It is very unusual (in my experience) for proper players to have to push girls away. When I was “boyfriend material” I had to breakup with girls somewhat often. Now, as a player, I think girls know what I am. We see each other or we do not. But I don’t have to work hard to end it. It never comes up.
Typically… as soon as I stop working to maintain the relationship, it falls apart. Chaos is easy. Order is hard. Players function as “order makers” in the realm of romance (or so I would say). As soon as that masterful orchestration of order is removed or lessened… chaos sweeps in and wrecks the thing. That’s natural. That’s how it goes.
Not so with this one.
After my very long date with The Assistant, I knew I would have to change the tone. She was still messaging me, so I started to take a lot of “the love” out of my messages. My responses were infrequent and had no more passion. I was a little bit sweet, but increasingly distant. Most girls would get it…
She did not.
She did call me out on it at one point and I told her “I was busy” with my goals in Japan. And I cut the thread short. Again, I thought the tone I was sending was clear.
I moved on to only responding to every other message… or even less so. All this was drastically different to how I had previously communicated with her. I was trying to send a message without explicitly telling her to go away.
And this makes me sad. I am sad about all this. For her (and only for that reason), I wish I wanted to keep this going. For myself, I do not wish that at all.
She didn’t message for a few weeks. I assumed she was gone. It wasn’t pretty or fun, but it was close to what I wanted to happen. The end is never pretty.
But then she messaged me again on my birthday. I thanked her… briefly… and I decided that would be the last time I would respond to her.
Sad. The end is sad. That is the nature of endings.
Some might say… Laughter leads to crying. The end isn’t about laughter (or romance), it’s about tears. Babsie was right.
Meanwhile, I was missing Miss Bangs. And the contrast between the stories of Miss Bangs and The Assistant was radical to live with.
When Miss Bangs was by my side in Tokyo in January, she told me she had fallen in love with me back in October (during our time in Shanghai). In fact, she tells me she loves me all the time. I don’t return the phrase. I just stare at her when she says it. Who knows why, but she accepts that. I keep my heart open, I don’t brush her love aside, but I don’t match that sentiment either.
I’m not trying to be tough. This isn’t about “dominating her” – there is no “technique” here at all. I just don’t want to go there. I love her, I have love for her, I show her real love in how I care for her when we’re together, but saying “I love you” borders on commitment (and that’s not what I want). I used to say it… long ago. But it would take a very special (and “open-eyed” girl) to get me to say that these days.
It’s not about a lack of love. It’s not about “distance.” But “I love you” is a promise of sorts… and I don’t make promises to girls. Not now. I will love the hell out of them… I’ll give them everything I have… but I will give them no promises.
With all that said… I do love Miss Bangs. This man loves women… but not in the way I did when I was younger… when I would foolishly rush into love. I’m a type of “pro” now. Totally imperfect, but “pro” in some ways. I don’t say “I love you,” but I do relish the love I have for girls… the love that seduction engenders. I am glad I still feel it. And I am sure I always will.
Pickup has made me more of a romantic – not less of one.
And I wanted to see Miss Bangs again.
I waited until I was home from Japan, and settled in. And then… I asked her to come see me when she could find time. Of course she loved the idea.
We booked her a ticket. I paid for it. I have paid for all her plane tickets (but never for The Assistant). And if you fly a girl in from China, again, it’s hard to suggest “just two nights, okay?” – it’s too long a journey.
We set it up for seven nights… and eight days. It would be yet another very long date.
The amazingly back-and-forth (but almost opposite) structure of these two girls continued as my next long date with Miss Bangs approached.
I have not responded to The Assistant in months. And I have had a lot of messages. And it sucks. Sucks for her, I am sure. Sucks for me. (As The Natural and I used to talk about in our 30s,) sometimes the Torturer feels tortured by the experience too. It’s not equivalent. But there is pain on both sides.
On Twitter last week, there was a long (and interesting thread) about “ghosting” and breaking it off with a girl. It was very “feelings-full.” Interesting thread. Packed with pathos. But I haven’t changed my mind about how I have been handling The Assistant.
There is no easy way out of a relationship. We assume there is a “good way,” but every choice is a “lesser of Evils” kind of dilemma. You can beat her in the face with your honesty (if that makes you feel better). Maybe you think that is noble. Most people do. I do not. I think there is no “good way.” Every path leads to tears.
I didn’t really “ghost” this girl. I messaged her several times after our last time together. But I clearly signaled disinterest. And she is not getting it because she doesn’t want to get it. It’s sad. And I think beating her in the face with “I don’t want to see you again” would be sad too. So I accept it for what it is… sad. And unsatisfying. There is no easy way to unwind something like this. I am surprised I have had to… as it almost always simply “fades away.”
I never talked about the future and I never promised this girl a thing. She lives half a world away from me. She is a sweet girl, and I enjoyed our time together – it was worth it for me to put in the effort for those few days. But I am not her boyfriend. I have never been. And a formal “breakup” isn’t what I would expect is necessary for a girl that lives in a foreign country… that I have seen only three times (even if two of those times were very long dates).
This is hard. But I have been on the receiving end of this same treatment too many times (with other girls) to not know that this is “how it goes.” And if you’re a player with experience, and you’re reading this… you know it is usually the girl that gets quiet, responds less often, with less enthusiasm, and then disappears. This is normal.
And those girls are right. That is a clear message. That’s how it’s done.
Over and over… The Assistant has been a “clueless boy” in this scenario. And (it’s weird to say it, but) I have been the “smooth girl” (at least in the break up). The roles are reversed. These feel like esoteric notes in a chapter on “trouble shooting” in the Manual of the Secret Society. Odd details, but true.
And yeah… she has sent me more messages… even in the days before Miss Bangs arrived. But it’s been about three weeks since the last one. Maybe she has it now. I don’t know.
It’s sad. In the case of the The Assistant and I, laughter does leads to crying. For both of us.
And with some of that in the background, Miss Bangs arrived last week for yet another very long date. And it was… totally fucking awesome.
I did a pretty epic job of planning for the two of us. Eight days. Not too much each day, but enough. I took her for a cozy breakfast in the rain. We stayed home and cooked a homemade, slow-simmered pork ragu (delicious). I took her on a ferry ride across The Bay. And to a dirty bar to watch the local team win the Western Championships. And on another night, I even took her to a dubstep party (one of my favorite spots)… it’s not her thing, but I wanted her to have the experience (I had one whiskey and we left). And then we did an over-night on the coast… a great drive, a high-end room with a view of the waves, the best dinner I have had in months. So solid.
It was late May, and it’s usually getting pretty dry this time of year in California. But we had a lot of rain this year and once again, my home state was devastatingly gorgeous. As I consider moving to Japan, I feel like California is saying goodbye… and in such a generous way. So many shockingly beautiful trips in the last year.
And it was toward the end of the trip, but as we arrived at the hotel… I fucked her as well as I have ever fucked her. She is not a wild girl sexually. She is delicate and winces as I push it in each time. But I was hungry for her, and I took more chances with her soft body, I pounded her… and we both loved it. That specific sex was a highlight of the trip for both of us. Such a fantastic day.
On all these adventures I never told her where we were going… it was always a surprise. She asked a few questions (which I mostly didn’t answer). I gave her a few “hints” (most of them “false,” and she knew it). Mostly… she just followed my lead.
And it was effortless. Mostly effortless.
It took some effort. But that effort wasn’t related to her. She was graceful and easy and fluid, like water over a smooth rock on a warm day. The effort (as far as my experience with Miss Bangs is concerned) has been in growing into being a clear-headed man that can really lead a woman. I have risen to a level where I could do all this for her and enjoy it. It was a great experience.
And it was completely different (and better) than an almost identical itinerary with the Assistant. What was different? It was still me. It was still my house. And my plan (almost exactly the same plan). I took them to many of the same places.
The difference… was mostly her. It was Miss Bangs. Of course all girls are different, but even “good girls” can get stale in eight days. This trip was not exhausting, because of the unique qualities of the connection between her and me.
And this was another lesson for me. You have to try “to know.” You risk the failure, the possibility of boredom and disagreement (or disaster). You risk eventual heartbreak and tears.
And sometimes you win. And sometimes it’s beautiful.
So many very long dates in this story. This story has been about the girls. But it is also about me. I explore myself as much as I explore the many pretty things I meet on the street.
I did not set out to get good at very long dates. In fact, I usually encourage guys to be very careful about doing anything like this at all. Long dates, with girls you don’t know, are not a great idea… most of the time, they are a terrible idea (especially when a man goes to visit the girl in her city). But I do see this series of very long dates as a kind of test of where I am in my relationship to women, for my skill as a seducer, and as a proving grounds for what I want out of all this.
Part of this has been an exploration of the idea of me ever cohabitating with a woman again. Living with a woman… will I ever try that (again)? I “lived with” both of these girls, in my house, no break, for about a week each. That is not that much, but it’s a “taste.” And… it’s not what I want. Great experiment… but this is not what I am craving in a long-term sense. In these doses, yes. Short-term, great. But more than this… no. Definitely not now.
Perhaps most of all, this series of experiments has been a reminder of the very unique possibilities (and limitations) of each girl. I played my role in a remarkably similar way with each of these girls. And the moment to moment may have been similar… but the overall theme was not at all. It’s obvious at some level… but nothing like having to “live truth” to really allow you to take it all in in a meaningful way.
When I think about how I “gave too much” to the Assistant, it wasn’t the quality or the quantity of attention I gave that left me feeling almost resentful… it’s just that she is not really the girl that inspires that level of gift. I was real with her but false with myself. I am not her Champion. But for another girl, a girl that is a stronger muse to my magic, I would fight at least that hard. Maybe harder.
With Miss Bangs, it was easy. She added momentum to my life. She adds to my strength.
I said this after my first weekend with Miss Bangs back in October of last year: Someone should marry that girl. Not me. God no. But someone. She is high-quality and rare and special and wonderful. She is not super kinky or wild… but she is enough… and in a sustainable way… to be an epic score for almost any man. She is one of the finest women I have ever met (and I have met a lot of girls).
But for me… after eight days with her… I would choose freedom. For now… that is what I would choose.
And I would choose variety. I know how special Miss Bangs is… and even so… I would choose variety and new adventures. A chance to try new flavors. The opportunity to continue the exploration of the possibilities of a seducer.
I may not always feel this way… but that is how I feel for now.
Who knows if I’ll see her again. She is wonderful. It feels careless (and confident) to think I wouldn’t ask for more of her. In eight days she never once mentioned the future. That is another way in which she is near-perfect.
Perhaps someday she will ask me for something I cannot give her… and our romance will become another demonstration of how, in the end… laughter leads to crying. I don’t know.
For now, I look back at this string of adventures with marvel. How extraordinary. What a way to pass the time. What a ridiculous life this is…
I am not done. I want more. Viva daygame.
This is an ace read.
RedCoco and his wing are giving me some feedback that my posts can be “too long.” And I get it.
I like long format. I’ll never write 1000 word posts. But this one was super long… and I needed it. I needed to get all this out.
Thanks again. This was a very therapeutic post. I have been thinking about both these girls… for a long time.
I don’t have a lot to add. I like the detailed essays. I don’t think of them as “long,” I think of them as “detailed.”
When I do “long” dates they almost always incorporate some nude photo shoots and some cooking, preferably jointly.
I went through this post twice.
Mainly because I like your writing Nash, your ability to bridge form one story with the headline to the actual bone, makes me no wonder why you get good results in the streets.
I enjoy reading long posts of intelligent people, I enjoy much less long dates with chicks that I’m interested only in bed busting with, hence I filter hard for R selection and R dates – but I guess that’s just me :)