Breaking Rapport as Part of Push/Pull
I want to talk about a concept called “Breaking Rapport,” and how breaking rapport is used to create attraction, as a part of push/pull (a mega concept in Game). And I’ll provide several good references and examples to help the discussion along.
Here is Krauser, demonstrating “breaking rapport” with obvious body language (one of many examples).
Sinn can get us started:
“Breaking rapport is a form of attraction. It’s just a mechanism to start that attraction.”
That is true. And we’ll get into why below. But first, a little context.
Before you can understand when and why to break rapport, we can define what “rapport” is in the first place.
“‘I’ve finally figured out the formula for getting rapport with a woman. Are you ready?’ Big pause. ‘Rapport equals trust plus comfort!'”
— Mystery PUA, from The Game
I’ll venture my own definition of rapport:
It’s the feeling of some kind of connection with someone. From the very “basic rapport” of being willing to smile at or acknowledge someone, to a more “social rapport” of being friendly and engaging in conversation, to “deep rapport” where you might share sensitive details of your life.
Here is Yad from Daygame.com “seeking rapport” in set.
“When you noticed that you’re exchanging emotions and sensations with the woman you want to seduce, and when you have succeeded in getting her emotional, then you are at having real rapport with her.”
I like that.
If you successfully engage a women, you are most likely using some rapport to do so. And if you fail to engage a woman, you have no rapport.
“I’d figured out my own routine. It was a simple structure that allowed me to determine the direction in which I needed to take a girl: First, open. Then demonstrate higher value. Next, build rapport and an emotional connection. And, finally, create a physical connection.”
— Neil Strauss, from The Game
There are lots of “models” of pickup, but Neil is showing one example of where rapport fits into Game.
When it comes to dating and sex, rapport plays a role – it does – but when most guys try to “get in with a woman” they will often try to substitute rapport for attraction; trying to “rapport” his way into her panties. And that, does not work. Does not. And most guys will fail at seduction, over and over, until they get this lesson.
“Rapport is unattractive because it’s what beta guys do when they can’t just fuck the girl.”
If he could just grab her, and kiss her (which is how I treat a girlfriend), he would. But he can’t. So he does, “oh, you like cats, I like cats, you like Chinese food, I like Chinese food.” That’s all commonalities… which are fine for comfort, but not for attraction. You can’t move toward the sexual though rapport.
BREAKING RAPPORT and PUSH/PULL
We sometimes talk about “hook point” – where a girl “hooks” and becomes interested in you. There are different degrees of “hooking.” Social hook point is where she is friendly with you (rapport based). But sexual hook point, where she is ready for your tongue in your mouth, is a very different experience. And you cannot “friend” your way into that zone.
While rapport is a good thing (it’s comfortable, it indicates some shared emotional territory), rapport could be seen as part of the “pull” in “push/pull.” Push/pull deserves its own thread, but for now I’ll say it’s about balancing a polarity of emotions – might be “hot/cold,” or “spicy/sweet,” or “exciting/comfortable.”
Almost every seduction needs both the push and the pull. And rapport, rapport, rapport… is like “sweet, sweet, sweet.” It gets sticky and disgusting without some contrast.
Showing interest or approaching a girl will create some “pull.” So to seduce a girl, we need to generate some “push.” We can do that by breaking rapport to provide some contrast (and also to show more of ourselves).
If you think of breaking rapport as part of “good push techniques,” it’s less mysterious, and you’ll have a better idea of when to use it (when you need to balance the pull).
So you see a girl you like. You head over, you get her attention… you are probably already doing some kind of comfort/rapport.
“As soon as you have superficial comfort, you ‘break rapport,’ it pushes you into attraction.”
Maybe you say a few words to get her to engage, she is listening to you. You done some pull. If you’re not “doing attraction” yet, you might start to do so intentionally, show the “full spectrum of emotion,” and you add some push.
“Tease. Back turns. Going sexual. Shove her away. Disqualifiers (‘It’s too bad you’re blonde, or you’d be my type’). Take aways. Arguments. Purposely disagreeing with her. Jealousy plotlines. Going sexual… all ‘breaking rapport’ techniques.”
Sinn is mapping out a variety of ways to “push” and break rapport, you have choices. All of them serve the same function of showing her that you can have some personality, some balls, and that you’re willing to go beyond being agreeable. Showing some edge is important, it’s exciting, it’s sexy. Without it you’re just a study buddy or a teddy bear – and girls don’t fuck their teddy bears.
Here ^ Krauser breaks rapport specifically as she mentions she’s “a model.” He looks away, makes this bored, disapproving face. Most guys would get “horny” when she mentions “modeling,” Krauser breaks rapport instead.
We’ll make this a little more advanced:
“Rapport is specially unattractive when “Bottom Guy” tries to offer it as if it had any value. Like when rapport comes along with ‘caring,’ and then the rapport is done basically to tell the girl how good of a heart you have and how motherly you can be, aka, you’re trying to be a girl.”
Yohami is showing what happens when you spend too much time cultivating rapport (all pull). This is almost every guy, and it’s not sexy, it’s not seductive, it’s a big part of why most guys can’t get laid.
“I was too scared to break the rapport and trust I had built. Unless she gave me a clear indication that she was sexually interested in me, I felt like trying to kiss her would disappoint her and she’d think I was just like all the other guys.”
— Neil Strauss
Here Neil’s giving a great example of the psychology of most men. He has a “friendly vibe” going with the girl, and he doesn’t want to risk what he has… so he stays “friendly.” He is “safe,” but hopelessly asexual. He won’t escalate, he won’t show any edge… so he never gets laid.
“You must be willing to risk offending a girl before you can ever get in her pants.”
— Sinapse PUA
I like that. It’s basically true.
Offending her is not the point. But being endlessly “safe” is boring, and girls don’t get wet for boring guys with no substance (gravity) of their own.
Years ago, Daygame Runner introduced me to the world of PUA instructional materials. The first video I think I ever watched was a series by RSD Tim. And while Tim is an epic douchebag, I immediately learned some things from him:
“In any kind of communication, when you’re communicating with anyone, you’re in any of these three modes:”
1.) Trying for rapport
2.) Neutral rapport
3.) Breaking rapport”
— RSD Tim
I don’t like Tim (he is an example of the worst of RSD), but in the images below he does a good job of demonstrating three kinds of rapport – and shows that that breaking rapport is not about what you say. In fact, like most communication, rapport can be communicated most effectively via the body, through the tone of voice, and through eye contact. Tim (for all his many faults) is very expressive, and we can learn from him.
“Listen to my tonality. What is it doing: Sloping up. You’re all laughing because you know it’s pretty chode. I guarantee you’re not like that with your friends. It’s ‘trying.’ It says you have a certain ‘social value.’ It’s low.”
Some good notes there. “It’s trying” (or “try hard”) Yes. And while we often need to put energy and effort into the pickup and carry her along, we don’t need to use this “slopping up,” trying energy.
Tim is a “status” freak. I would downplay all of that part; just focus on push/pull. Always “trying” (pull) is weird. It’s unbalanced. We do some work to create rapport sometimes, but not always.
“Very neutral. My tonality isn’t fluctuating that much.”
You can’t hear him, but focus on the look in his eyes. You see how he has stopped “trying so hard.” He is more relaxed and “neutral.” He is more real (super important). If you can’t be normal around a girl, she’s not going to find you attractive.
“The tonality curves down. What I am displaying about my self is I am kind of like testing you. Its saying something about my value. About my own sense of self worth.”
Again, Tim is too focused on “power” (he can’t see beyond that), but he IS demonstrating breaking rapport here. His face is no longer “seeking approval,” is it? He is now giving us some push… and when we need to balance pull, some push is a good thing.
“Where I am at, in terms when I talk to women, I fluctuate, depending on the person, between neutral and breaking. Depending on how the girl is reacting, or what is happening with the girl.”
“If she is being a total retard, I am like, ‘Hey! What is this? Get back here.’ Okay, ‘breaking.'”
NOTE here, that Tim says it “depends.” And it does. If she is a little intimidated or unsure, I want to add comfort/rapport (pull). But if she is comfortable with me, and she isn’t all over me yet, I can break rapport (push), and show her I can not only “be about her” (pull), but I can also go for what I want (push)… even when it’s edgy or unsafe.
Okay, that’s enough of Tim.
“Approach #19. Very hot girl, fast walk. Great stop, my best in Tokyo. She stood so close to me, she was cool, non-reactive. ‘Russian minute.’ I was as strong as I have ever been in set. A breaking rapport look in my eyes. She took it, and then softened. Lovely. Beauty marks. Took her number. Msg’d me on her own. Solid. We’re chatting.”
— From my notes, Jan17, 2017
I still remember that girl.
And she was hot. Blazing hot. And she hooked.
“Hot girls want to know you’re not going smother them, and you can actually break rapport. They have so many guys with their energy on top of them… they want to know you’re not going to be that guy.”
— Brian Begin
I break rapport more with the “hot bitch” type. Not to be mean (there is a good girl in there), but because I know they need me to show some edge, that men typically go nervous around hot girls, and that when I can be bold and strong in front of her (and not crumble) she’ll have a better experience.
I love pull. I give girls tons of praise. I’m very affectionate. And I also use boundaries, sexuality, “big ego,” and lots of other ways to show her “she’s special, but I’m Andre” (credit: Lance Mason).
Breaking rapport is a tool. And when she needs it… I give it to her.
A NOTE ON “NEGGING:”
“One thing we realize we need in order to be someone that might be attractive, is we have to break rapport. Mystery calls it ‘negging.’ David Deangelo calls it ‘cocky funny.’ Brad P calls it ‘the shocker.’ Everyone is doing this kind of stuff.”
I hate the concept of the “neg.” It’s about “lowing her value” (only low value men need to do that), and appeals to the worst guys. It is, however, a rapport break… so we know where it fits in the process. And…
We have other choices. So yes, you can “try to lower her value” by cutting her down. That particular choice is unnecessary (and not overly successful).
You can also break rapport via “cocky funny” (much better vibe) and accomplish the same goal. You can show a boundary. You can challenge her. There are lots of ways to provide some “push.”
When you see the function that the “neg” is trying to serve, you can easily substitute another choice, and avoid low-vibe tactics.
Leave her better than you found her, boys. It’s not that hard to do.
SEXUAL RAPPORT BREAK:
“You break rapport to go sexual. To get into seduction, you have to break rapport. It doesn’t magically happen. You have to prep and lead things up to arousal. That is where ‘sex-scalation’ comes in.”
This is a killer bit of coaching from Sinn, and it ties together almost everything else in this post.
Imagine I approach the girl. I have some kind of basic rapport. She is unsure, but she is curious.
Maybe I then drop a big compliment, “I love your walk, very feminine.” That is a lot of pull. Am I kissing her ass? No, I’m just a man communicating my desire.
And then, I rock back (just leaning back can be a mild rapport break), and I cross my arms (classic Jon Matrix crossed arms), and I am still being charming, still moving the conversation along, but I give her a bit of RSD Tim’s “breaking rapport” eye contact (which adds a little edge). I take her number, and exit the set.
So far, so good.
(Matrix crossing his arms ^.)
I message the girl a bit and I get her out on a date. As we meet I say, “You look cute” (pull), but I do it with a bit of smirk and mischief in my eyes (push). My compliment is genuine, it’s based in desire, but I’m not seeking her approval. Push/pull.
On the date we sit close. Chat. We are in social rapport. I’m talking about working out, and I “flex” for her, but it comes from a cocky attitude, so it breaks out of the “nice guy” rapport, and she laughs and is a little more attracted. And now…
I lean in the for a kiss… and that also breaks rapport.
Why? Because I’m breaking out of a safe, comfortable rapport into being bold and sexual. When she is with me it won’t always be safe. I can create tension; I am making her a little uncomfortable, in a good way. I’m showing I am cool and confident when things heat up; all indications of an attractive man.
Does she like it? Does she kiss me? It depends… but I’m communicating what I want. I am showing where I’m going to take her. If she doesn’t like me, she’ll likely want to get away from me (fine). If she does like it, even if she doesn’t kiss me, my willingness to break rapport and escalate will often turn her on.
“That’s a sexual rapport break, breaks comfort… but builds attraction. You set the tone… this breaks rapport, and that’s how you move into seduction. It’s a mechanism.”
We can show some gravity and certainty in ourselves when we are willing to break rapport.
Needy guys are thirsty in a way that causes them to constantly make these safe, “socially acceptable” moves, so they can get some approval at each step of the way. Like, “Is this good, mommy?” That’s gross. You can’t imagine how often attractive girls feel this vibe from guys.
Stronger men don’t need her approval. They can be real, they can disagree or argue with a hot girl, if that’s how they really feel. And they’re not afraid to take risks with her… cool guys respect themselves (gravity), and they know they can meet more girls, so taking a risk is a good way to screen for what they want.
“Breaking rapport is attractive because it’s compatible with “Top Guy” frame. That’s all. If you want to micro analyze it, breaking rapport means you don’t need the interaction and have better things to do, and she’s not interesting enough – YET. She may earn that in the future, but right now, going to the point, the Top Guy would talk to her to screen if she’s fertile and not crazy and figure if she passes his boner test and then bang her shortly after.”
“Breaking rapport is intrinsically non-needy, so it’s only compatible with Top Guy: highly attractive.”
If you know me, my approach to Game, I don’t believe in “tricks.” None of this about “faking” anything. Breaking rapport is a chance to be real.
Breaking rapport is something I do when I read the girl; I know from her reactions when she has felt enough “sweet,” and I want to give her the experience of some “spicy.” It’s not about posturing or lame “power” behavior. It is all a part of good push/pull orchestration, where I use all my tools to give both her and I a great experience. I show some “balls,” I lead us into sex, and take the relationship deeper than superficial social fluff.
I don’t always need to (or want to) break rapport. But breaking rapport is about being myself. It’s about being sexual, when that is what I want. It’s about expressing my true feelings, even when I want the girl. And I do want her. But I also want to own who I am.
When I know what I want, and I go for it, it is attractive to girls. But maybe more importantly, it’s me being real, having some gravity, feeling confident to express myself while I bring her into my world.
Here is a good example of a very attractive version of BREAKING RAPPORT:
— Robert Doisneau
Imagine how he feels, what feeling in him creates that kind of expression. And then imagine how you could set up a date, so you felt like he does in this photo. If you could begin to see those opportunities, you could naturally produce this level of attractive masculine rapport break.
If you know me, you know I have distain for “faking” anything. I am not talking about “faking” being him. Fuck “fake it ’til you make it.” That is not going to get you where you want to go.
But you can know what you want to grow in to. And you can create moments that engender that “vibe,” and BOOM – you are that thing, in a natural way. It naturally flows from the very real situation you create for you and her, from the very real vibe you created.
Nash, do you have good recommandation for a book about push / pull and breaking rapport ?
I see your point. I feel in cold approach that you need to push to be good.
So if you have any good read, leg me know.
No. I don’t. But this is a really common topic – back when the “PUA” thing was bigger.
If you like books, I like “A Manual for Seduction for… ” by Franco. I need to review that book. It’s from 2005, has some garbage in it… but even so, it’s a very good book. Not sure if he goes into breaking rapport, but his style does the same job.
Push/pull is actually “everywhere.” It’s all around you, every day.
To your friend: “Even though you’re a dipshit, I love you bro.” That is push/pull. It is a really natural thing, and “push/pull” helps you see it.
Thanks man – good topic.
[…] Chase Amante wrote about this: Breaking Rapport. Here’s another solid article breaking down “breaking rapport: Breaking Rapport as part of push-pull technique. […]
Excellent job explaining the utility of push-pull dynamics. You can’t “what movies do you like?” your way into bed
An issue I’ve had is while I’ve known the push-pull principle for a long time, I find it difficult to find an opportunity to tease a woman (thinking on my feet). Banter has never come easy even with my guy friends and poking fun at someone does not come naturally to me
Do you know of methods to train your brain around this? I know the obvious answer is do more approaches but it’s hard to train a muscle I can’t move if that makes sense. I’ve talked to lots of chicks and dudes with “banter” in mind and my brain just won’t go
Even knowing this ^ is a big step forward for most guys.
I don’t really like teasing, personally (until she is my GF).
Teasing is fine, but it’s totally optional. It is not essential. The goal is “don’t be boring.” There are many ways to accomplish that (including just being “strong silent masculine” guy, assuming you lead and sexually escalate… = “not boring”).
Breaking rapport is NOT the same as teasing. And there are many ways to break rapport. Many of which help with “don’t be boring.”
Being “conscious” of anything helps you start toward mastering it.
But I would expand the focus here to: How do I show a girl a good time? Doesn’t have to be teasing/banter (over rated, in my view). A “serious, sexy poet” guy… can turn a girl on, give her a good experience, without ever teasing, without ever doing banter.
Think big picture.
What is your opinion on 60 years of challenge, he says breaking rapport signals to a girl that you are trying hard to win her approval and that sexual eye contact and rapid escalation is much more important
I have read bits of 60 Years, but not the whole thing. I had a hard cover book made of that collection (it’s on my shelf), maybe I’ll try to read it this year…
I would be surprised if he said that.
And strong sexual eye contact IS a form of breaking rapport. So is escalation. I quote Sinn saying that, in my post.
If “being a nice boy” is “seeking rapport,” than showing sexuality (not “nice boy” behavior) is a good example of BREAKING RAPPORT. This can be a subtle topic, because people think that “people like nice.” Which isn’t exactly true. “Nice” is comfortable, and safe. But it’s not SEXUALLY attractive. Whereas being WILLING TO GO BEYOND SAFE/NICE is attractive – it’s classic “bad boy” behavior.
So long eye contact is classically “aggressive” (breaking with “rapport seeking” behavior). And that is sometimes sexy (in the right context).
That pic of Yid is hilarious, he looks like Hervé ‘It’s the plane boss, the plane!’ Villechaize of Fantasy Island fame. That totty was a minter though, there’s no way Hervé ever saw her again
I actually took coaching from Yad (1 day), and he was remarkably cool in real life. Very comfortable with himself. (He is also very tall, so “da plane!” guy and him are hard to connect).
But that pic does illustrate the point: He is seeking rapport like a fool in that moment, and it’s a terrible look.