This post is about Extraverts. And about how certain psychological types can make or break a relationship. And about how underneath a lot of concepts we talk about in Game, the meta concept of “Energy” can help explain so much about what girl is right for you.
“Women are on the lookout for the guy with the most energy, the most life force. These are the guys they want to commit to. Since women (in general) have a harder time cultivating their own energy, they are very oriented towards men to develop it for them.”
— Pat Stedman, from his Masterclass product
An uncommon but brilliant way to learn to understand the psychology of attraction is to start with energy. Pat is saying something important here. And while an extraverted girl is a special type that can bring her own energy… Pat’s comment holds true there also(more below).
Looking at energy is a hot way to understand attraction. As you understand this concept, it might help you make choices about where you invest your attention with girls.
For this post, let’s start with this girl:
She is a special one. And you can feel it in this shot.
What is she looking at? Is she looking at you? What if she was?
In this case, she is not looking at you. She is looking at the television camera. Why? Because she wants to be seen. And not just seen a little bit…
This ^ is what an extravert looks like.
This particular girl is Kennedy Smith. She was a student at Texas A&M, and these clips are from an event where she was an athlete, from a race where she was completely dominating the other girls in the hurdles.
In the clip I took these still from she is amazing. I will say a lot of things about extraverts in this post, but it is not lost on me:
She is an incredible girl. A fantastic athlete. Full stop. Attractive, certainly, but more than that: “she knows how to play the game.” There is a kind of charm in that, certainly.
Here she is, “workin’ it.’
When I came across this footage of Kennedy, there was frenzy of people excited to be looking at her… really “feeding off her energy.”
“Beautiful, athletic, fun personality. Wife material.”
— Hayden Houser
This kind of comment is what makes me want to write about her. She is a very, very special girl. And maybe Hayden is the kind of guy that can wife up Miss Kennedy… but I doubt it. And I say that, not because I know about Hayden (respect to you, Sir), but because I am interested in extraverts… and the men that are quick to want to get involved with them.
As it was, this other dude made a similar comment:
“I might be in love.”
We can see why. And for Kyante and all the other guys that were “drawn to her” there is something going on with extraverts and about “energy” in attraction and relationships that I want to focus on.
That day, I responded to Kyante with this:
“She is amazing, bro. I like her too. But she is sooo ‘extravert.’ I always feel bad for dudes that like extraverts. That is a lot of attention seeking and trouble. If you can’t outshine her, you’ll be in her shadow… Hard for her to be turned on by that.”
— My comments
I got completely flamed for those comments. And at the risk of being further aggravating, I will say more. The example of Kennedy and all the guys professing their love that day can provide an excellent view into dating and psychology.
I do think extraverts are harder to date than most girls. I think they need a special kind of man. And I think most men that are focused on extraverts are doing themselves a disservice; they could find more of what they want and need if they learned to notice the beauty and sexuality of less “obvious” women.
Good romantic matches are often made when the man and his girl are well matched in terms of psychology, energy, and sexual polarity. Most men don’t truly need (and aren’t ready for) an extraverted girl.
There are so many ways to do “types” in terms of psychology, but for now, let’s do two types of guys: Assuming we’re talking about “dateable men,” let’s separate men by their level of energy. There are high-energy men that penetrate the world, that have learned to create and channel their energy, and to use that energy get things done. These men are attractive, but more than that they create their own opportunities. Among attractive men, there are also low- and mid-energy men that don’t go charging into life. Because he has less focus and energy, this kind of guy’s relationship to life and to girls is more passive.
For a given type of man, some girls are better suited than others. And for some types, extraverts are a particularly ridiculous choice, but one with strong appeal.
Before we say more, how do most relationships even get started?
In every social situation, someone supplies the energy for the relationship to begin. I will say it’s ideal when the guy is overflowing with energy, he is out exploring, he sees her, he approaches her, it’s his energy that gets the relationship started.
And yet, a lot of guys want the girl’s help to get things started. They think the girl needs to “make herself available.” Or they want the girl to “pick them,” to lead the whole thing. While that can happen at some level, if that is what you’re waiting for, you’re missing your opportunity as a man with women (and you’re much less attractive than you could be). But I think that is what a lot of men are waiting for…
And this is why I think “most men” are easily attracted to high energy girls. And to extraverts. They have an expectation and hope that girls will help things get going (they mostly won’t). I don’t think relationships with those extraverted girls are likely at all, especially for men that “want help” with the dating process. And even if they could happen, this kind of “match” can create problems for lower-energy guys.
There is a catch-22 where the guys that have less energy will be attracted to girls with high energy, creating an uncomfortable mismatch for romance. Unless you’re a certain type of man, allowing yourself to be drawn into extraverts can be self-defeating. While you can “park your attention” there, those girls have special needs, and require more in a man than the vast majority of girls.
Extraverts have two qualities that make them easier to notice than other girls. They tend to be more social than other girls, going out a lot, making a lot of social contacts. And, when they are out, they display a lot of energy. They are shiny, easy to see.
So imagine you’re a guy that isn’t getting this needs met, and doesn’t have a good plan to fix that. You happen to be out in public (or even poking around on social media), and this flashy, high energy girl comes along… bam, she’s captured your interest. And more than that, you feel her energy and you might even feel more awake when she is around. You’re attracted. And because you feel more alive from her energy, you’re hooked.
I see this pattern a lot. It can be as simple as guys chasing after the idea of a “model” girlfriend. Or the guys that put a heavy emphasis on girls with big Instagram accounts. Or any of us that have ever wanted to date “the most popular girl” at school. A common desire, but ill-advised for most men.
I will double down and say when guys chase after extraverted girls, they are not just interested in her because she is hot. That thought may cross your mind, but it’s much more than that. Lots of girls are attractive (and/or incredible in bed). But as most of them start off at low energy, the typical guy won’t even notice them. That same guy will look right past many perfectly beautiful, charming girls, but he’ll always notice the fiery extravert. He is likely to do this, even if she is objectively less attractive than the girl next to her: the extraverts level of energy itself is a big part of the attraction, especially for lower-energy guys.
Even more than most girls, extraverted girls want to be seen. So an extravert will put herself in those positions, and she’ll behave in ways that attract attention. She likely has romantic and sexual needs also, but attention (from men, but from everyone) is a more basic sustenance for an extravert. While her radiance is extraordinary for you, receiving “donations” of attention from low energy men is incredibly common for her. She’ll float along, encouraging tribute (she needs it), but not much more.
This is the basic story of orbiters. And that relationship is much more common with extraverts than most girls.
We know most guys will jump all over the extraverts (the model, the performer, the popular girl). We may want her, but what does she want?
A girl like Kennedy Smith wants an even higher energy man. Of course.
“Even if she makes energy on her own… she is always going to be looking for a guy to take energy from. That is the nature of the male and female dynamics. When we talk about women ‘dating up,’ we are talking about them dating up in terms of energy… really, that is what they are looking for. All the other stuff is downstream of that.”
— Pat Stedman
Everyone wants energy, including high energy girls. Beyond that, girls always want a man that is “better than them” (credit: Patrice O’Neil). She wants a man that has more energy than her (he has more lifeforce, he does more, he penetrates the world more than she does). That, and the quality of his energy is better than hers also (more effective, more conscious).
She wants a guy that can “take her deeper than she can take herself” (credit: John Wineland). That is as true with extraverts as any other kind of girl… but extraverts start at an every higher place, in terms of energy. If she is going to be “wife material” for you, you’re going to have to be a special kind of man.
Adam Lyons once said that what the extraverted woman wants is the “leader of men” type of guy. A hot match for an extraverted girl is the CEO, the captain of the football team, the club promoter. A girl like Kennedy wants a guy like that.
While being “alpha” is a great goal, it’s unnecessary in relationships with most women, but… it might be crucial if you want to lay claim to an extravert girl.
The very extraverted girl wants to be seen by “everybody.” And the leader is often in a position where everybody is looking at him. For the extraverted girl, the perfect position to be in is to stand at the side of the leader. From that role, she is both “seen by everyone” and is with a man that is still more important than she is, is better than her, can “feed her” energetically, can “take her deeper” than she go on her own. That is a perfect fit. Adam Lyons is dead on there.
“Every woman is looking for your attention, for your energy.”
— Pat Stedman
And that is what I was getting at when I made my comment about Kennedy. I do feel bad for guys that want to date extraverts. As a man, it takes a rare set of traits to make the most extraverted girls come alive. All women want a man that can “take them deeper,” and he can only do that when he has more to offer than she does. That often starts with more energy.
For an average guy, extraverted girls are a bad fit. He doesn’t have the energy to captive her, to lift her up. And he wastes his focus “paying tribute” to her, instead of getting serious about putting energy into himself, and finding a girl that is perhaps less energetic but a better match for him.
I am not telling anyone to “settle.” You can grow as a man. As you grow, you can engage more dynamic women. But your ability to match well with a high-attention girl isn’t always about you being “good” or “bad;” it’s about being a certain type.
I get how extraverts can be appealing. But I don’t think the relationships with those girls are any better. Certainly not as we rule. But they are likely harder.
In general, even if most low- to mid-tier guys can hook “the popular girl,” they are set up for trouble. She still wants to be “seen by everybody.” And if he is lower energy, if his lifestyle doesn’t put him in the spotlight, where she is seen often… she’ll miss that attention and she’ll work to find it in other ways… by getting a job that puts her in the flow of the public, going out a lot with girlfriends, building an big online presence, etc.
This energy relationship explains a lot of the examples we see of guys “chasing” girls, particularly extraverts. It is not really that they have no other options; it’s that they aren’t awake enough to see their other options (less energic girls), they only notice the most obvious girls, which they are unprepared for: not a good match.
Guys that are left hanging by extraverts invent a lot of the “girls are bad” stories we hear out there about women being attention seeking, cheating, or causing drama. While I think most extraverts are challenging to date, of course they can be super loyal, bubbly, awesome girlfriends – for the right guy. But if they end up with a guy that doesn’t “do enough” for them, they will seek attention elsewhere. Not necessarily cheat, but flirt and “put it out there” in a way that will cause drama in the relationship, will make him feel bad, will “depress” his energy further, and send the whole relationship in the wrong direction.
If you understand what a “good match” is from the beginning, you’re more likely to get in where you fit in.
When I made my comment about Kennedy and extraverts, a lot people came back saying that I just can’t handle extraverts, that I was insecure, etc. Is that true?
I have no interest in extraverts. I’m not extraverted, myself. While I have been successful in life, I’ve built many things, I have never put my name on any of them. I have no interest in public status. I like anonymous experiences. I have done very well with girls, I have lots of energy, I can penetrate… but I want more subtle, often introverted girls. I am happy to bring them my energy, to “wake up the potential” in them. And I have had ridiculous experiences with unassuming girls.
Again, I see why extraverts can have tremendous appeal. My point here is about “what makes a good match.” The goal is not to find someone like you (for sexual polarity, you want difference, not “sameness”), but rather someone that works with your type. As most men are not “leader of men” alphas, I think they are wasting their time being “seduced” by extraverted girls.
The real upside here for most men is to see the role of energy and types. In general and always; develop your energy, do more, try harder, build your capacity to shine. And then… open your eyes to the beauty and sexuality of “less flashy” girls. What a girl appears to be like in public and what she is like in a one on one relationship are not the same thing. If you can develop your energy, and wake up some beauty and potential in lower-energy girls, you could find more success with women (even if she isn’t a model, an influencer, or a famous athlete). I have talked a lot about extraverted girls here, but many low-energy, introverted girls are a gold mine of possibility.
When you provide energy, when you can “pump her up,” you will see girls “bloom,” come alive, and shine in ways that they cannot without you. This is true for the extravert, but is very true for less shiny girls.
Daygame has been a way for me to meet less “famous” but totally amazing girls. And because I know it’s my responsibility to bring energy to these girls, and I do my job, I have seen many “ordinary” girls have very extraordinary moments.